A poem to Grandfather

A poem to Grandfather

This week we will discuss how you can write a great short story. Our tutor is British Council teacher Simon Overton.
◆Student's contribution

My beloved grandfather

I saw an old man walking slowly,

Not tall, but surely strong,

I felt a scent of the ocean,

I saw a calm, warm face,

With an invisible smile lying.

"Are you listening to your parents?"

A rough and strong voice sounded.

"Yes," I whispered,

With great fear and respect.

"You should work harder, son"

He coughed.

This was the last dinner with him.

As days and nights went past,

He was in hospital,

His strong and rough voice never sounded again,

A weak and soft sound took place.

His face grew as pale as paper,

His eyes closed like doors,

His scent from the ocean went,

It was a stab in my heart.

"A person cannot change what will happen,"

His voice trembling,

My tears streaming down,

"But he can change how he acts."

His last breath was taken as he finished the last word,

His eyes never opened again.

I saw the bright sky,

I remembered the lessons,

The ones my grandfather taught,

I smiled, and the sky replied me with a calm, warm face.

-- by Tang W.K.
Comment All About Adjectives
This is a beautiful modern poem, W.K., and generally it doesn't need many changes, so I'm going to focus on one topic: adjectives! You have lots of great adjectives in your poem, but there are some rules to follow when putting two or more together.

Firstly, when describing a sound weak and soft have almost exactly the same meaning, so I think they sound strange together. Choose one or the other. As the poem is about a dying person, weak is probably best.

Secondly, watch out for using and or a comma between your adjectives. When adjectives add to each other, such as strong and rough, they often sound better with a comma (i.e. his strong, rough voice), but only if they come before a noun (here, voice). It would sound very strange to say "His voice was strong, rough".

Lastly, it's the order of adjectives. For me, strong should come before rough because it is our opinion that his voice is "strong", and it's also something that can change-later he might have a "faltering, rough voice". For the same reason, I also feel that warm sounds better before calm, although that's just my preference. Whatever you choose, use the same order both times in your poem-warm and calm are consistent, but strong and rough are not!